Sometimes It's Okay...
Throughout this process of finding out we were pregnant, and then not being pregnant ... I wasn't sure what to feel or think. I spent hours and days scouring the internet for groups, for blogs, for something to tell me what to do, and I couldn't find anything. For the love of GOD tell me what to do!? So I posted on my personal Facebook page about our loss and soon came messages of other women that had been through something similar. One amazing woman that emailed me said, "it's a secret club, that unfortunately you have to loose something to join."
Why are we hiding? I know not everyone wants to shout it from the rooftops, "HEY! I lost my baby! Please don't pity me or look at me funny!" but we shouldn't be afraid to hurt. We shouldn't be afraid to walk into a room of friends that saw you a little bit pregnant or a lot pregnant and have them give you the "ugh poor her" face. To alleviate this, I've just run up to people and hugged them and basically reassured them that I am okay. It's almost like they're not okay, and that I'm really reassuring them that THEY will be okay. Okay?
Allow Yourself To Feel...
I think the biggest issues beyond the feeling of loss are loneliness and allowing myself to have any damn feeling I want to. I have a few friends that are pregnant and I am so happy for them! They are loving and kind and deserve to have every happiness that life has to offer. Am I a little sad or jealous? Yes. I am being 100% honest. Yes, I am. But that doesn't take away my happiness for them.
The loneliness part is very hard. I have Matthew and I am so grateful for him. He's my rock and my best friend. But there are times when I need my girlfriends. We all do! I need to drink wine or margaritas and talk about nothing but why clothes don't fit, all of the Bravo tv shows I watch, and how their lives are going. I feel like women get sucked into a vortex, where they get "so busy" or think they're "so busy" that they can only see what's directly in front of them. Don't get me wrong, I know some hard working ladies that truly crush it and barely have time for sleep. But in the end, we still need some "me or girl time".
My mom's words are always in my head. She told me that she wished she had kept up with her girlfriends when she first got married, maintained her relationships, and how important it was to keep those good friends close to you. Now that she's retired, she's reconnected with her girls and they do lunch and I think that's amazing! But just think of all of those years in between ... so much time lost.
I Started To Get Angry...
The other day I started to get angry. Angry at a lot of things and a lot of people. But I realized that being angry isn't going to solve anything. I've got to find a way to figure out how to get shit done and be pro-active. Whether it's getting a blog post done, focusing on my 9-5 job, try to figure out how to open up communication with friends, or getting laundry done. I don't want to be bitter and cut off communication. But I'm also at the point where I value my time, and I want to utilize that time with people that love me as much as I love them. We all should.
I Wrote This A Month Ago...
Matthew was asleep and I was left with my thoughts. Which happens a lot lately. I really have to focus on falling asleep. My heart was aching, it was two weeks since there was no baby, and I had to write my thoughts down, so here we go.
My sweet baby boy,
This week you would be 22 weeks inside my belly & apparently the size of a coconut. I so wish I could feel you kick me. Every day I walk into our spare room (which was going to be your nursery) and I dream of how we would sit in the corner and I'd sing to you and rock you to sleep. I can see the nursery all set up with your crib and stuffed animals. I have these adorable clothes that I ordered and I made sure that your daddy would love them too. I found this really cute "Nightmare Before Christmas" outfit just for daddy. He loves that movie. Saying goodbye to you was so hard and I miss you every day. I don't think your Daddy knows how much I miss you. He's so sweet and loving. Always making sure that I'm okay since you've been gone. Holding my hand or giving me a hug and a kiss. I love him so much. I told Arya (your puppy) yesterday how sad I was and she snuggled me extra hard. Somehow she just knows. She would be an amazing puppy for you to have. I know she loved you. When my belly started showing, she would lay her sweet little face on it and fall asleep. I think she loved listening to your little heart beat. I am trying so hard to get back to normal, but it's so much harder than I thought it would be. I'll write again soon, I love you.
Love Is Amazing...
That was really hard to read again and write out again. I read it outloud for the first time to Matthew and truth be told, we both cried. But it felt good and it feels good. We will always love our little baby boy. I know there are a lot of people out there with heavy hearts. There are so many things that consume our lives and sometimes we just want to scream. So DO IT! Scream! Do whatever you need to do to survive. Your story is important, don't ever let anyone tell you it's not. Love is an amazing thing. I love my husband more every day. Each day our journey evolves. You have to allow yourself to love and be loved to truly open your heart. Start with loving yourself and knowing how much value you bring. I'm not giving up and neither should you. Keep going! I'm going to wake up every morning and smooch my hubs.
And the journey continues...