One thing I actually love about Facebook is when your memories pop up. This week last year I was in Iceland, attending D'Arcy Benincosa's, The Path Workshop! I can't believe it was a year ago already. Seriously, where does time go? I blogged about my first couple of days here and time completely got away from me, so we're going to show you some more today!
I've been thinking a lot lately about our paths in life. I never would have imagined that I would be living on the east coast. Does that sound weird? Maybe not to some of you, but growing up in a really small town in South Dakota a lot of people don't leave the state. There's definitely something to be said about staying close to your family and having that close bond with them. But who's to say that you can't still be close and love your family from a couple thousand miles away?
It's been twelve years this month since I moved
When I first moved out to the D.C. area, I felt a ton of guilt and pressure. I felt like I was letting my parents down by moving so far away, I felt like I was running away from problems (which is partly true), but I also felt like it was my life and I needed to do this for myself. I needed to try to figure out what my path was in life. Moving that far away is definitely not easy, and I'm so thankful that I was able to live with my Aunt and Uncle. But being 24 years old and only a few months in, and having a 4 1/2 hour commute every day was not something that a girl in her mid twenties wanted. I moved a little closer and prayed to God for a social life. Nine months later I was calling home crying and miserable. People were so tough and mean and I really didn't think I could hack it.
I think secretly my parents were a little excited that I was thinking of moving back home. But I knew I couldn't do that. What was left for me there? I still loved my family and friends, but I couldn't go back. I had to dig deep and move forward. I had a dream soon after. In my dream my Grandmother who had helped raise me, wrapped her arms around me and told me everything was going to be okay. I can remember crying and trying so hard to wake up because I wanted to see her...because it felt so real. The message was real, everything would be okay.
This season of my life is damn hard
I've never been a huge blogger of the written word. I'm not really sure why. I used to journal all the time and I remember how cathartic it was for me. For some reason I figured, who would actually want to read this stuff? And if you don't want to read it, that's totally fine. There are tons of pretty pictures on my website too! If you've been following along on my Instagram, we were pregnant and then...we weren't. I've had good days and really, really bad days. This is the part that no one talks about. You feel alone, more alone than you ever have in your entire life. I get it, people don't know what to say to me. It's uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you and what's going on in your life, because I totally am. It just means that I might need a little more care right now, an extra hug, and maybe someone to listen.
So let's get back to business. This brings me full circle to my initial post about this workshop and how I basically had a breakdown in front of a total stranger. There are so many things in life that we can't control and I know everyone says that. I'm currently at the angry/I don't know what to do with myself stage of losing our baby. There are so many things that I want to say about it and maybe I will another day. But today I realized that this was part of my path, my journey with my husband. Our journey together as husband and wife is still being written. When we scroll through Facebook or Instagram we see smiles, pretty things, check-ins at concerts and restaurants. We don't see the tears or the pain that people are feeling. Why would we?
Getting back on track
You're probably wondering what any of this has to do with a photography workshop and you're totally right. What the hell is this girl talking about? In the midst of planning a wedding, dealing with a billion other things and being totally strapped for cash...I went to Iceland to learn and discover more about my passion. I went to recharge and find myself again. I needed to find that inspriation! I just needed to get away, and guess what? It's okay to be selfish sometimes. We have to take care of ourselves. If you ever need a moment to be selfish it's when you feel yourself breaking down. But here's the kicker, you HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO SO. I've started to allow myself to be mad, sad, happy. I have to, you have to! Losing a baby at 20 weeks is all of those things and then some. There have been so many women that have reached out to me since we lost our baby. Some that are friends, friends of friends, complete strangers and it has been amazing. All of our stories need to be heard, the pain needs to heal, and we need to get back on our path. To those of you that are struggling with loss, not knowing where to start on a new journey, stressing over work, relationships, etc., I am holding you close in my heart. Time will heal and your path will continue.